


It Feels Alright (But That's A Lie)

by emmablackery



Category: Marianas Trench
Genre: Anxiety, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 06:02:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4694798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmablackery/pseuds/emmablackery
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh has a panic attack and Matt helps him through it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Feels Alright (But That's A Lie)

**Author's Note:**

> hey, so i literally just came out of a panic attack when i wrote this, so sorry if it seems incoherent. i just needed to get what i was feeling off my chest.
> 
> @squad i know you're gonna read this so i'll say it now. i'm okay now, i'm fine. 
> 
> title from far from here by marianas trench

It struck him seemingly, out of nowhere. The first panicked thought, the feeling of a nonexistent threat that loomed in his room. 

Josh couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe. He's sat on his bedroom floor and he can't breathe. He's terrified, of what? He doesn't really know, but it's frustrating him to no end, his heart feels like it's beating of out his chest. His mind keeps racing, of all these thoughts. Thoughts telling him he's in danger. That he's gonna die. 

Josh is shaking, trembling all over his body. And  _God-_ why can't he just calm down? There's tears, he's crying- sobbing. They're racking his whole body, loud ugly sobs that shake his apartment. He can't get up from the floor. The lack of oxygen makes it difficult to focus on anything else except his own loud sobs, and the breathing that won't slow down, fuck-  _he's gonna die._

Then his phone is ringing, loud and shrill in the room. Josh sobs before picking up the phone, and looking at the caller ID. It's Matt, his boyfriend. Fuck. He's not stable enough for this, he doesn't want to worry Matt, but Josh doesn't particularly want to be alone right now, deal with all this on his own.

He clicks answer.

Josh answers the phone with a sob, a choked, broken sob.

"Josh? Josh, what's going on Are you okay?" Matt immediately asks, worry clear in his voice.

Josh can't form a linear sentence. He broken sobs keep coming, he's trying to tell Matt he feels unsafe, that he can't breathe, but he can't keep himself calm enough to actually get out the words he wants to say.

"Josh! I'll be there in 5 minutes," Matt deadpans, still on the line. "Josh, baby, breathe for me, okay?" 

Josh tries the breathing exercises they've done before but they are helping. "M-Matt, c-can't breathe," Josh rasps, trying to slow his panicked mind down, to no avail. 

"I know, baby, I know," Matt comforts, I'm coming up the driveway now, stay still." Matt orders, and the line goes dead. 

Josh dropped his phone to the floor, and curled his hands in his hair. God,  _why can't he just calm down._ He can't calm down, he can't breathe. He's lightheaded when he hears his bedroom door open. There's a person touching his arm, calling his name. It's Matt. 

Josh springs up and holds on to Matt for dear life. He was the support he needed. The rock that held him down, when his thoughts got the best of him, and he was here. But, Josh couldn't get his breathing to go down for him to tell Matt anything. 

He can vaguely hear Matt telling him to breathe for him, and fuck- Josh is trying. 

"In and out, Josh, in and out," Matt says, breathing deep for Josh to mimic. 

Josh tries and he counts his breathing.  _In for 6, hold for 3, out for 8._ And it's working, he can feel himself start to breathe normally again. Tears still falling down his pale face, Matt's arm rubbing up and down on the peak of his back.  _  
_

"You with me?" Matt asks lightly, still wary around Josh as he starts to calm down.

Josh nods lightly, hiding his tear-stained face in the crook of Matt's neck as he's still shaking. Matt just holds him, and gives him all the time he needs. Whispering little reassurances, fingers playing in the singer's hair. Holding him tightly as if he'll break. And Josh is calming down, Matt's always been the one thing that could calm him down in a state of mind like this. 

Finally, Josh leans away, still sniffling but wiping away at the few stray tears left. 

Josh feels exhausted. 

Matt stays silent until Josh says something first. It's usually the small "sorry," he gets after every panic attack. 

"Don't be sorry, Josh," Matt sighs, "These things happen. Anything in particular trigger this one?"

Josh shakes his head, returning to the crook of Matt's neck, and Matt's fingers return to his hair. They stay like for a while, Josh hiding himself away in Matt's neck, while Matt has all his focus on Josh and keeping an eye on him. 

"I'm always here for you, Josh," Matt whispers into the older man's hair. "And that'll never change." 

Josh tightens his grip on Matt, and he presses a soft kiss to the space between his neck and collarbone. Matt returning the favor by kissing the top of Josh's head. 

And they stay like that, neither of them wanting to move. 

Josh feels like all the panic thoughts he had were silly and downright stupid now. He feels like he wasted Matt's time, with such pathetic thoughts and actions when he 's a grown man. He should be able to take care of himself. 

"Sorry for wasting your time and making you worry," Josh mumbles, playing with the hem of his shirt. 

"Josh, please, you're not wasting my time," Matt scoffs lightly, "I'm always going to worry about you, it's my nature." 

Matt pauses, to kiss Josh's forehead gently. 

"I want to make sure you're okay, just like you'd do for me." 

Josh smiles lightly through a light sheen of tears in his blue eyes.

Josh leans them in for a tentative kiss, it's softly and it feels like air, but it's there. And it's them, just them on their own cloud nine.  

Josh pulls away, and he stares into Matt's warm, brown eyes that show show so much love, and care for Josh. His heart feels like it's going to explode because Matt loves him and he loves Matt.

And he feels okay again. 

**Author's Note:**

> sorry about the ending   
> yikees.


End file.
